Robert Pattinson is a gift. He really is. He’s one of those genuine oddball actors – and I mean that in the best of ways – blessed with both leading man good looks and prodigious talent. He’s a chameleon on screen, using his seemingly endless fountain of nervous energy to play a (literally) dirty thief, a rich playboy, a space traveler, a vampire, an action star, and, soon, the next iteration of Batman. And as interesting as he is on screen, he’s just as interesting in an interview, with a penchant for offbeat candor that sometimes gets him in trouble. (You may recall, for example, his infamous press tours for Twilight.)
But if there’s one thing he can’t do, it’s cook. At all. At all. In fact, he seems to be a bit of a disaster when it comes to life skills and taking care of himself. In a recent interview with GQ, Pattinson explained that he’s holed up in a London flat that Warner Bros. had rented him to shoot Batman and living off the food that the studio keeps sending him as part of his Batman bulking meal plan (not that it matters – he then explained that he hasn’t once touched the weights that his assigned trainer left with him and begged him to use). And it’s a good thing, too, as his default state is “to just sort of eat like a wild animal,” as he describes it:
“I’m essentially on a meal plan for Batman. Thank God. I don’t know what I’d be doing other than that. But I mean, yeah, other than—I can survive. I’ll have oatmeal with, like, vanilla protein powder on it. And I will barely even mix it up. It’s extraordinarily easy. Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.”
If you think he’s exaggerating, just know that in that same interview, he explained how he’s tried to microwave pasta. Yes, you read that right: Microwave. Pasta. And not once, but multiple times while he’s been in quarantine.
But really, the highlight of the interview is when he explained to the interviewer, Zach Baron, about his brilliant idea for a pasta that you can hold in your hand, a process involving a panini press and…honestly, he’s not really sure. He even demonstrated to Baron how he makes what he calls this “piccolini cuscino” (“little pillow”) pasta dishes after going to the corner store and buying – and I’m not joking here
- One box of cornflakes because the store was out of breadcrumbs and it’s “basically the same shit”
- One novelty lighter for “doing a little flambé”
- Nine – yes, nine, as in one fewer than ten – packs of presliced cheese
- One jar of sauce of indeterminate type
He then added this to the box of penne he already had in his house after explaining that he prefers to use the pasta that looks “like a squiggly blob” or “messy…like the hair bun on a girl.” Sugar, inexplicably, is also involved in the pasta pillow-making process. From there, I swear I have not laughed this hard reading a longform interview in years, because it’s just…well, I’ll just let the screenshot I grabbed (it’s a long interview) speak for itself:
At one point, he accidentally lights one of the latex gloves he’s wearing on fire, melting it to his hand.
And then – and then – the crowning moment and climax of the interview, he comes very close to blowing up his microwave and burning his entire apartment down when he wraps the patty in foil and sticks it in the microwave, despite Baron’s attempts to warn Pattinson that he should definitely not put aluminum foil in the microwave that Pattinson is certain is an oven. As a lightning bolt erupts from the definitely-a-microwave and electricity flies everywhere, Pattinson simply ducks and covers, laughing hysterically the entire time.
Bless this disaster of a man. Seriously. I can think of few actors who would be that open in an interview about being a walking trainwreck when it comes to life skills, even though Pattinson does it in the most charming way. Still, it’s good Warner Bros. is still sending him a meal plan because can you imagine what would happen if he were to run out? Our future Bruce Wayne would be eating uncooked ramen straight out of the packet with the seasoning sprinkled on top like salt.
The entire interview is well worth a read, but honestly, I laughed so hard at all the sad cooking scenes that I had to compile them for you.