Red One is hitting theaters this week, and it introduces the world to Nick, J. K. Simmons’ musclebound, weightlifting, unconventional Santa Claus. He runs the North Pole and the business of Christmas with the precision and strategy of a military operation, from hi-tech drones to airships to special forces. He is, to put it lightly, a very unconventional Santa Claus.
Even so, Nick is not the strangest or most unexpected Santa in movie history. There are plenty of others who have featured in Christmas (or Christmas-themed) movies over the years, and this list gathers up just a few of them.
Jack Skellington – The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Jack Skellington is beloved by multiple generations, but let’s be honest: if you were a kid and saw a spidery-looking skeleton in a ragged Santa suit crawling down your chimney to deliver presents like shrunken heads and killer wreaths, it would be a completely different story. We love Jack, but it’s clear he’s best sticking to the job he knows best – being The Pumpkin King – and leaving Christmas to the experts.
Billy Bob Thornton – Bad Santa (2003)
Billy Bob Thornton’s Willie is not just the worst Santa ever put to the screen, but also arguably one of the worst people, period. Being a petty criminal is the least of his faults. He’s crass, abrasive, aggressive, and an alcohol-abusing sex addict who has no business being around kids. He is wildly entertaining, but absolutely the worst Santa Claus. Ever.
Vince Vaughn – Fred Claus (2007)
If Vince Vaughn shows up in a movie, you can basically guarantee he will be an underachieving slacker with a bad attitude. His Fred Claus does not disappoint. As Nick “Santa” Claus’s younger, overlooked brother, Fred has years of resentment and slackerism under his belt, not to mention a criminal history and chronic defiance of authority. It’s his own actions that injure Nick to the point he can’t fly on Christmas, and Fred has to take over. As Santa, he’s actually not bad, but boy, is it dicey.
Damian – The Hebrew Hammer (2003)
The Hebrew Hammer brings together Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa in an irreverent and darkly hilarious, R-rated way. Considering his arc is that he murders his father, the real Santa, and takes his place, Andy Dick’s Damian Claus is a nightmare. Further, he wants to destroy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa so Christmas reigns supreme, rolling back the ethos of inclusion and tolerance enacted by his dad. Not only is Damian a terrible Santa, he’s also a terrible son. R.I.P. Dad Santa.
Krampus – Krampus (2015)
Those into folklore know well the story of Krampus, the perverted inverse of Santa Claus from Eastern and Central European folklore. He is to Santa what Satan is to God, doling out punishments to naughty children as Santa hands out presents. Krampus has been featured in various media over the years, but the great, horned beast of 2015’s Krampus is arguably the scariest – and most murderous – of them all. It’s enough to make kids wish for Jack Skellington again.
Department Store Santa – A Christmas Story (1983)
A Christmas Story’s department store Santa is arguably the only one on this list who is actually supposed to be Santa, so, shockingly, he’s actually the best one – if you use the term “best” extremely loosely. As a department store Santa, he doesn’t appear to have much patience for long lines or love of kids, and his elves are just as impatient and brusque. The fact that he could boot Ralphie in the face and kick him down a slide and still not be the worst says a lot about the others on this list.
